I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
Finished watching the entire first season of mighty morphing power rangers. Now I have nothing. Not even a life.
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
Randomize
