Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
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