Besides Rainforest Cafe, there's nowhere i'd rather be intoxicated than here
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
Do I masturbate or eat a pound of matazah. Alissa help what do I do??
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
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