I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
Kinda wish I banged him. I need the exercise.
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Randomize
