someone get that fucking seahorse.
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
I'M NOT READY TO BE AB ADULT YET!!!
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
Randomize
