The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
He's only a freshman and he needs to expirence shit like that..
YOU would be the Freshman Expirence
He was showing him the picture of the 40 year old woman he made out with in Florida, turns out Chris made out with the same woman.
Go her
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
Randomize
