i wish starbucks made bloody marys
So after the reception we snuck back into the church for drunken hook up. we passed out there and woke up in time for 6am mass still dressed from the wedding. spiritually trashy or classy?
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
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