I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
heading to class now, facing the weekend consquences
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
I HAVE FLAVORED BLOW. THIS SHOULD NOT EXISIT.
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
Pro: Drunk Portland Strip Club. Con: Monday morning hangover at work. Pro: boobs. Con: Sleep deprivation. The Pro's are winning.
I would agree. Add some coffee to the booze. It will cut down on sleep deprivation.
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
Randomize
