Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
they call him Oral-B. enough said
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
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