I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
All I'm saying is that if you have time for a 20 min shower bj you have time for me
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
So you can now add nose to my list of places that cum has gone that it shouldn't...
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
Randomize
