i puked out the bus window last night on the way home. i remember it, but i don't remember everyone else screaming to put their windows up.
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
His "hunger Strike for change" lasted 4 days. Hi welcome to my coke binge last weekend....not impressed
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
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