Nakedness is not a toga. Just sayin
I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
Makes Sense, i generally dont want the same person two days in a row. Its like what i pick for supper, i like variety
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
So if i am talking to a guy and he sends me a pic and he is wearing Spiderman button down dress shirt.... Is it ok if i dont want to talk to him anymore?
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
Randomize
