So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
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