i'm watching degrassi (go figure) and the episode is about jimmy not being able to get a boner and now he's famous and rapping about popping pussies..i dont get it.
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
I got head to The Nanny. Officially gay.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
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