i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
Randomize
