At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
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