She said I was really immature but whatever...oh by the way we just bought a toilet and turned it into a beer bong so come over
i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
Exactly. I don't do penetration on the first date. Blowjobs however are perfectly acceptable.
I encourage the greeting beej. It determines if the dick is worth keeping around.
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
theres pictures of him knuckle deep in her, both of them thumbs up and cheesin. someone should take her kid away
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
She refuses to believe she pulled down her pants and spanked her ass in front of us
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
Randomize
