my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
I didn't realize how trashy of a night we had.
Welllll, you did eat a cherry out of my pussy. So I think that classes it up a little.
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
Randomize