Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
you googled "nude photos of celebrities you wouldn't expect to have nude photos", puked into the beer bong, and then laughed
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
Randomize
