Soo both my 8 year old sister and fuck buddy are named Sarah..
this can't be going anywhere good
nooope. guess which one i texted last nite to come over so i could "punish her pussy"? =\
Sorry I wasn't really responding earlier. I was really fucking high and so into that car chase.
i dont know what it was but it was definately NOT a vagina
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
Randomize
