He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
They peed on our pledges last night... i dont know if i should put an lol at the end of that or not
i think of them as a grilled chicken salad and a fried chicken biscuit. obviously Amy is better for me, but when i'm eating her all i can think about is how much better the blonde must taste.
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
just answer this one ? for me. why is there human shit in my shower right now?
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
Randomize
