I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
dude she wont stop talking about little people big world...she said my penis looked like zach roloff and took a picture with her phone?
I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.
I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
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