Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
I'm so sorry for trying to eat your puzzle last night...
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
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