I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
Randomize
