i'm lost and i look like a hooker
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
I'd rather say I'm a whore then admit it's his child. Its that bad.
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
slept with a 6'5 mountain man from Montana and then he played 'Girls Just Wanna Have Fun' on repeat..
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
Randomize
