peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
You remember correctly you did get a golf cart ride out but it wasnt because you were special. You were so smashed you were screaming tiger at random golfers in the middle of there backswing.
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
Hope you are okay. You were running down the street with shopping cart at one point and yelling "bitches aint shit!"
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
