when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
I felt that there wouldn't be enough planB and forgiveness to go around
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
Stop it. You know what r&b does to my body
You ask to touch his thighs ten times and called them magnificent.....need I say more
Randomize
