When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
nothing can go wrong this weekend. $1500 to spend. i have options for hookups every night. my backup plans have backup plans
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
I've come to the conclusion that the dicks in Arizona just don't have enough size for me.
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
Randomize
