I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
Its against the rules to not make you aware of his virgin situation prior to penetration
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
watching spice world high feels so wrong yet so right
Randomize
