I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
I did something similar high once. I stopped like 30 feet in front of a stop sign because I felt like it was running towards me and I started crying. Got out my car and hugged it and told it not to run away people need it.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
Randomize
