: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
And he came all over himself. At least he didn't ruin my new lulus.
Actually though that could've been bad.
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
My books smell like weed. What does that tell you about my college experience?
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