I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
