I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
