I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
I guess wearing a straight up bikini to class is an early indication that Thirsty Thursday has started.
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
tell raye i said hi and sorry for bleeding on the limes
Randomize
