meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
Is masturbating to pics of your ex on Facebook considered cheating?
You are proof that most things are best left unsaid.
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
Randomize
