My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
I believe you can. But if you can have rum with breakfast then do that. Definitely do that.
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
Randomize
