can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
test run with donkey pinata disastrous. broken glass and tequila EVERYWHERE
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
My vagina just clenched in fear
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
Randomize
