A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
I'm just saying. If this how my magic vagina shows it's magic then I don't want any
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
Randomize
