dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
I just heard an old guy ask the chick he was with if she wanted to try ass to mouth...
thanks for that.
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
Resolution for 2011: blow jobs are a privilege, not a right.
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
she wanted me to tie her up with my playstation charger cord. i kept on hoping she wasn't a squirter. those cords r expensive. could have def been a Sony commercial tho
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
dude igloo, 4 foot bong, and 3 grams of blue dream. will you be my eskimo buddy?
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