i just had sex. the condom broke. we're sleeping in to separate beds. And im in albany
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
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