M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
but i am gonna have to have sex w/ him again to get my earrings back
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
All four of us managed to throw up in the same bathroom at different times during the night. I think we'll get along great living together.
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
maybe you should have closed the porn before you gave the professor your computer to hook up to the projector?
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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