I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
But that background check said 51...Omg. If I hooked up with someone that's my dads age.....
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
Randomize
