He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
We need a shit load of segways right now
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
Randomize