if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
definition of desperate: He gave me his SC drivers license so i wouldn't forget to facebook him.
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
okay I may or may not have wrapped my body pillow up in your t-shirt and sprayed it with your axe and am now spooning with it.
again? I'm starting to get a little creeped out now.
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
Randomize
