You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
I puked into my skirt and then had to carry it to the bathroom and dump it out, Lmfao and it was like 2pm
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
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