My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
i walked into the first stall,, but there was no paper, so i'm in the other one. a little kid is in the one without paper now and is making a lot of noise. curious how this'll turn out for him.
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
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