When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
He better not be in your backpack
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
Randomize
