i would punch a child for taco bell
how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
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