I murdered the dance floor call the cops
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
I did crash a prom last night though.. It was fun
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
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