Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
He should be on Bizare Foods after who he ate last night
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
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