Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
I woke up naked, with the lights on, using my backpack as a pillow and a pillow as a blanket.
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
All this studying of HIV makes me want to have sex with you.
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
