I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
Randomize
