Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
Whats the glycemic index on semen?
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
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