That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
I DID MY EXPERIMENTING. FOUR YEARS OF IT. IN HIGH SCHOOL.
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
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