He told me he looked up all the foods that make cum taste better and he put it all on his moms shopping list. she came through my line. this ones a keeper I think.
you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
I just saw a guy faceplant off a unicycle while holding a saxophone, while his buddy riding another unicycle and sporting a flute rode by laughing
Only at UConn...
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
Randomize
