Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
I'd give my left nut to see you
don't do that. I like the set
counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
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