her name is jenna, so i wanna cunt punt her
that's how i am about ashleys and britneys
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
i threw up on the blunt... he was pissed.
We just made a drinking game out of our chemistry review. This might explain my chemistry grade.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
Randomize
