Are we in a gay sports bar?
no more hot dogs for you........
fine no more vajj for you
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
screw it, I'll just be a stripper until next August when then are looking for suitable teachers to teach the future of America. it's like a feel good movie just a little out of order and im a dude.
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
Randomize
