out of nowhere you said let us see your boobs, then proceeded to pull my shirt down.
i gets down
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
I really want to lead this Amish guy into temptation
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
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