I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
I finally looked at the pictures from last night thanks for feeding me and pulling my pants up
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
Come over so we can have two person sex in this one person tent
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
Randomize
