connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
She's the drunk girl with the air-horn and sunflower seeds.
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
Is there a word in the English dictionary for impressed, yet disgusted?
I think the word you're looking for is flabbergasted.
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
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