Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
I'm just sayin. Is it sad that I spent my last dollar on a hamburger just to get a paper bag to huff out of?
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
he described going down on me as being like 'entering a jungle of deliciousness and fur
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
Randomize
